Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
