Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
