I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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