JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
