Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
