I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
