I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
