and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
