I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
