Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
