I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
