First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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