who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
