i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
