when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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