once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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