In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
