Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
