How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize