Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
