So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
