hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
