i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
