mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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