You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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