Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
