they need to just BURY HIM!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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