I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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