if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just had sex on a roof
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
