We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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