It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
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