you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize