What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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