Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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