Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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