I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
