Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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