I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
