The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think your dad took our porno
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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