god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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