my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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