Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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