I wish I could teleport
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
