I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
