Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Drunk is not a location!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
