Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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