pop tarts are not kleenex
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
