Only a mothe r could love this liver
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
