Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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