how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize