Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize