2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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