apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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