How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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