dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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