dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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