When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
