I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
