I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
