It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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