I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Are my feet made of real feet?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
