My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
