Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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