When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dick has a subreddit
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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