I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
